So I've been absent from posting for quite a while really. Absent from posting anything photography related. It's been very few and far between that I've posted. Let me explain why. Over the past year or so, I've really had to do a lot of soul searching. I've had to figure out who I am not just as a photographer but as a person as well. I'm not there yet but it's getting better.
Photography for me was always something that was a creative escape without boundaries then I started to feel constrained and like nothing I did was good enough. At least in my own opinion. If you know me at all, you will know how something like that will eat at me as a person and make me question more than just whether or not the color balance is off in an image. I also had a few other life changes that didn't help matters.
I am a very insecure and highly sensitive soul. This has been something that has been part of my journey that I've been working on. Trying to accept that I am enough, that I do have good to offer. Seeing a client that I value utilize another photographer without any acknowledgement to me would genuinely hurt me and make me question what did I do wrong. Were my photos not good enough? To escape the hurt, I shut myself away. I do realize I am being overly sensitive and ridiculous. Everyone has rights to go where they want and use who they want and it's not always something personal against me. That sentence right there has taken me a long to accept.
I would always take these sorts of things personal, and not just in photography. It could have been anything really, the way someone said something to me, looked at me... My closest friends whom I'd confide in would always support me and talk me off the ledge but that incessant gnawing feeling was always present. But photography was something I could control and keep from getting hurt doing. So what did I do, I disappeared. I put my wall back up. That was one wall I was capable of building. I still have to go to my career job everyday but I didn't have to subject myself to other aspects of the pain. (I do realize that sentence was no grammatically correct...I teach science lol).
This post is a huge step for me because one thing I don't like is opening myself up. I don't like to promote myself in any form and I most certainly don't like to be candid about the insecurities I face daily. The insecurities most people may think are silly. But I have come to realize that in building my wall and shutting myself away, I am only hurting myself in the end. I am choosing to shut myself away from something I do truly enjoy and love doing. In my journey to discover who I am and what makes me happy, I have come to realize that I need to be selective in the sessions I agree to. That I need to pursue aspects of photography that continue to push me as an artist because that makes me grow and learn. I am an educator, learning is what I do. I need that in my life. I also need to share my gift. It's selfish not to.
So please don't hold it against me. Any of it. Anything I've said in this post or being away for so long. I'm just trying to simply explain something very personal about me that often gets misinterpreted. I'm trying to explain why it was better for me to shut myself away for a while. I don't regret it. It was a much needed recharge time. Like I said, I'm still a work in progress. I struggle daily with anxiety, insecurity, not feeling good enough, and negative self talk. But...like I said, it's getting better. If you're still with me at this point through this long post, thank you. I'm looking forward to coming back strong in 2020!